I think I've updated this like three times today.

Oh well.

Conversation #1 w/ Ma:

Jenny: "Mom I think I'm depressed, ... I think I should see ... "

(interrupted)

Mom: "Oh Jenny, no you're not, I would know if you were depressed."

Jenny: "I don't know Mom, I ..."

(interrupted again)

Mom: "No, you're not. No."

Um okay, that's for telling me how I feel, what would happen if I ever got seriously ill, like had cancer? "NO Jen, you don't have cancer, I'd know."

Naw, just unexplained weight loss, me feeling guilty all the time for no reason or as if I am about to be punished, me crying a few times a week, no, I'm happy inside. La tee daaa happy happy happy...me.

I just had a sudden urge to play tennis. I haven't played in so long, it used to be so fun to play because I was kind of good at it. It's so sunny and cool out that it's perfect for it.

Conversation #2 w/ Ma:

Jenny: "I really miss living here, I was driving today and this guy was singing at the top of his lungs right next to me, like there was no one else in the world but him"

Mom: "I hate it here, the people, traffic, look I have to lock the doors"

Jenny: "It's home Mom, you grew up ..."

(interrupted once again)

Mom: "I hate it here, you will too, I don't know why you want to be here"

Jenny: "It's home Mom, in Michigan you'd never see anyone singing at the top of their lungs"

Mom: "Well, you better get used to Michigan because you're going to be there a year"

Jenny: "Not if I can help it"

Mom starts looking upset and teary eyed

Mom: "You'll get used to it and then not want to live"

Jenny: *sarcastically* "I don't want to get used to it."

Mom: "You're such a baby, grow up"

Jenny: "Mom I hate it there, it's been two months and I just don't fit it. I feel ... "

Mom: (interrupts and getting angry) Well you don't TRY to fit in.

AND so on. Sometimes I wonder why I want to come home.

This morning at 7:00 "JENNY! ARE YOU SLEEPING?"

No, I'm wide awake with my eyes shut.

UG.

Oh well, tee-hee I put my cheater box in my bedroom last night. Lord there is PORNO on at night. I watched this one nasty porno show just to see what soft porn is, I don't see how people get off on that shit. I mean, you can so tell those people aren't even in to each other, the whole "love" thing is missing, it was so stupid, it made me laugh to see these people acting like they are soooo enjoying themselves when they aren't, I watched about 5 minutes, then felt sinful and like a pervert so I turned it on the Cosby show .... Hm, I don't see how guys act like porno is the bomb, I don't think I've ever see any porns that would make me "hot."

My parents fucked me up, they made me and my sister believe that sex is nasty, dirty and only whores do it. They made us think men are only out to fuck you over and then fuck you.

I really want to see a psychitrist, how lovely it would be to have someone tell me how to not feel that way about men and sex. Tell me that maybe my problems with people is because of how I was raised and that somewhere along the line I was taught that everyone is evil.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me lately. I have like a million thoughts going through my head and I am so thin skinned anymore I would cry if someone were to tell me that I can't write, just like my boss making fun of me because I but "blod" instead of "bold" and he said I was dyslexic, he was serious and I said, "well it's probably just the drugs"

He said that in front of everyone at work and then the all looked at me with blank expressions and when I told my mom she burst out laughing. I didn't think it was to funny, I hate that, I wanted to say, shut the fuck UP, I wanted to cry too, but I held it all back.

What is wrong with me??? I don't know why I keep thinking so badly of myself. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to fix it. I wish I knew, I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to be happy again, and work out and be like I used to be, so ambitious and ready to kick ass. Lately I am just a mess, I am quiet when I need to be loud, I let people walk all over me, I let my boss make me feel like I'm a failure, a cheat, he makes me feel stupid and young, he makes me want to say I'm not worthy to work here anymore.

Hm. I hope to stop feeling this way, just one day say FUCK IT, fuck them, I will be me and they can deal with it or fire me.

I just wish I wasn't so wimpy. I cry all the time anymore, kind of like the first week I was there, but this past week I've cried 4 days, I cry each time I type in my diary. It's pure despair. It's lovely release.

Is this good for me? Or bad? Am I depressed or just over-reacting to...?

All I know is I want to work on myself, I want to be healthy, I'm tired of being out of breath when I run upstairs and being weak.

I need another change.

�

pet ramps