I'm finding that I have indeed changed. I'm not as shy or should I say, as quiet as I used to be. I absolutely HATE when people say I'm too quiet, too shy...no I'm not. I tend to listen...I'm a writer...I learn from people, the way they talk, the way they act...all comes back to me when I write stories. Sometimes, I just don't want to talk, or have nothing to say. I don't care a lot of the time...that's bad, but sometimes I just don't give a fuck when people are acting stupid and expect me to play along. I've always been this way, the loner, the stand-offish girl who's always the one sitting there quietly, and making others wonder what I'm thinking about them, now if that's not power, what is?

ANYWAY, I am less shy, but that's because of me having to call complete strangers and ask questions. When I'm working, I'm not me, I'm business professional Jen, I'm confident, I'm no BS, let's get the work done, Jen.

OH HUM...today the News ed at my school paper quit. This means I can walk into this job no prob. it's no pay though, and the paper is filled with people I absolutely cannot stand. I've tried for positions, but like most college clubs, they go for popularity, and considering that I hardly go into the office, I always seem to lose, even though I'm the most qualified. So I'm NOT going for this position, I've no time...if I did, and wasn't about to graduate, I would probably go for it. I've decided if I don't like the person who's news ed, the I will quit. It means nothing to me that I work there, I don't gain anything from it and they are complete fucking idiots, I know more of newspaper than them, yet they treat me like the incoming freshman, when they themselves have NEVER taken a news class, it's called a power struggle. I've always stayed away from this, and before I was a "Yes" person...and no fight girl, but now the newspaper has made me a let's get it on and rumble girl. I will put my foot down and piss off anyone now. I guess I've changed....

Or I'm just tired of being me...

Today my ma called and asked if my sister was picking me up fast food for dinner, I said No, I'm making my own -- which I usually do, since I'm to poor and greedy to spend money on fast food...anyway my ma can't figure out WHY I want to lose weight. In her eyes, I'm not "fat," and she asked who ever said I was fat. I thought about high school, college, the malls ... seems like a lot of people think I'm fat, let me IM someone on AOL and show them my pic, and see if they don't call me a fat fuck ... So I told my ma that I said I was fat, which is true, I contemplated that maybe I was one of those people who was a size 18 thinking they are fat, when they're not...but alas' I'm a size 24 and to me that's fat...when I'm a size 18, then I will say...I'm chubby. Ha ... anything would be better than this, size 24 is almost the hot size now, it gets hard to buy clothes sometimes in this size since so many are 24's ... I always see the lovely 18/20's and dream of the day I can buy a pair of jeans in that size. I can, however, wear the T-shirts in that size, strange enough. I have large hips, tummy and a flat ass...so pants always fit me funky, either the hip area is TO tight, the waist is to big/small or because I'm kinda tall - 5'9 they're too short! But even if I drop one size, 22, I would be VERY HAPPY. I remember being a 26/28 ... and even now when I have to buy a 26 because of hip area, I feel like I haven't changed at all.

Let me tell you a little story...I think about it a lot lately....

I had gotten in a fight with my best friend Max, and we hadn't talked for about a year and 1/2 ... in that time I lost about 40 lbs ... when he came to see me the day we became friends again, he said in a deep voice, "Damn, you lost weight." To this day, I don't know if he meant it or not. And sometimes he asks me how much I lost ... and I wonder if he's making fun of me...he has other friends, who are fat, whom he makes fun of...and I wonder if these questions are mocking me somehow? It bothers me to think this, because if I knew the answer I would chew him out and go crazy...but I don't know for sure and I wonder why it's so important to me ... I think because when I see people from High School, I want them to see I've CHANGED. I don't want to be the girl from high school, and i don't want them to say, Oh that Jen is the SAME...NO...I want them to say, That Jen lost some weight...

I was also reading in my new Shape magazine about...reasons you lose weight. I don't know my reasons, the first time someone had pissed me off and I said "I'll show them!" and lost weight...now I'm needing that old push, that reason. I was thinking my reason now should be marriage, dating...looking good... I can see the survival of the prettiness, and fat isn't pretty...so can it be feasible that I lose weight to get a better job? I see my pretty friend Susan, who's skinny, have the graciousness of our bosses smile at her when she's fucked up, and when I fuck up, I get the sturn look and less friendliness of how they treat Susan. Is this all in my head? I don't think it is ... Or this is the talk of someone who's looking for an excuse? I keep saying, if only I could lose weight and be that delicate flower, be beautiful...equating beauting with thinness.... It's true isn't it? When fat people lose weight, what's the first thing that comes out of their mouth? Look how beautiful she looks ... *Sigh* I guess I just want to be beautiful to.

Anyway, I can't wait to see how my life will change with this new semester. It sucks I can't go to the gym classes, but I'll survive. I can't wait to get my elliptical and with me not fucking eating due to no time, I think I'll fare well. I like the fact my life is changing, but I'm also kinda intimidated and scared at the same time. I don't know, I want to change, lose weight, become more confident, but yet it's so scary to think that after all this, losing weight, I still might feel the same, then what? Then what will happen?

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pet ramps